I HAVE TO QUIT ONCE AND START IT ALL OVER AGAIN OR I'LL JUST HAVE TO DIE

ahh. everything seems normal recently. but sometimes those 'normal' would always make me think twice in my every steps, everyday. this may sound weired but i'm not living my life everyday pretty normal for how long already. i'm miserable everyday since that day. thinking of it makes me sad and happy at the same time but i really really don't appreciate each of that day until today. i don't feel like living. you know what i mean? it means that i who so called Rusy was dead a long time ago.

Rusy you know now are the one that always happy go lucky kinda type of person. he never gave you any other faces either than his smile. but for him it totally different. he used to be someone that always play in his min playground and not really talk to people. that is him. that is Rusy. the 'new' Rusy you know now are way much better cause his hyper. extra hyper even sometimes. some might like it but some (who knows me who i was before) wont feel like it.

i am totally depressed totally miserable totally everything bad since that day. i am not myself anymore. i am something new. so this made me think. i thought that i wanna quit being me (now) and start again as fresh as before as me (before). and i'm sure that maybe one day i'll realise how pathetic i am now and how stupid i am if i quit cause my this is my life now. and i love it. i am me. this is me. not the old me. the old me is me who get caught between both fantasies and reality.

i wanna live in both and yes i am. everyday with my 'love'. yes i do. i do have my 'love ones' and i'm pretty sure that you don't wanna know who. cause if you do that means you are one of 'the member'. we walked through dark alleys of lives and we hate it but we can't stop it cause we swear things. somethings that no one knows but us 'the member'.

while reading this you might think that i'm kinda fool who wrote things about myself and debating with myself about my life. yes i am. and thank you for reading